To sum up Newton’s 1st Law of Physics, a body in motion tends to stay in motion and a body at rest tends to stay at rest. Unless, however, an outside force acts upon the inertia to get it moving. Similarly, an outside force can also cause the object to slow down or perhaps change course. While we may typically apply Newtonian Law to objects in a physics lab, we may also apply them to aspects of our own lives.

Have you ever felt the inertia in your own life? The overwhelming sense of being stuck and not sure why you can’t seem to move forward in the way in which you want? Do you feel like something is wrong, but you don’t know what to do?

Could the change agent be right in front of you, but you can’t see it? Or maybe you’re pretending that you can’t see it because it’s too uncomfortable? Perhaps you may benefit from some long-needed introspection. There may be a subconscious process, which you are not acknowledging.

Often the desire to change undesirable aspects of our lives is precluded by an internal denial system. We have certain values and expectations for our lives. Some will go to great lengths, putting a significant amount of energy into making sure that these expectations will happen. However, when life gets messy, there are internal and external factors as a result of our decisions, other’s decisions, or uncontrollable events that cause life to go in a different direction. For some, their internal denial system kicks in and tells them that it’s too uncomfortable to face the reality of the decisions you or others have made or the circumstances in which you find yourself. Therefore, pretending the problem isn’t happening and putting up a facade sometimes is easier and feels like reality. However, what you are really doing is living in denial and deceiving nobody but yourself.

There are many reasons why we might find ourselves pretending. So, if you are not sure if you are pretending, take a moment to check in with yourself to see if you identify with any of the following:

Fear of rejection or being a people pleaser-

Belief- “I will do whatever I can to make sure I am accepted”. The cycle of pretending is present as this belief causes someone to make choices out of fear of losing connection with others rather than making choices that align with what they value.

Avoiding conflict-

Belief- “I will try to keep peace and not disagree with others outwardly for fear of conflict”

Low self esteem or insecurity-

Belief- “I am not worthy to have my own thoughts, feelings, wants, and desires and I must go along with what I think others want and think.”

Fear of vulnerability-

Belief- “It is not safe enough to share my full self”. This may be true with others, but also is difficult to face your own true thoughts, and feelings with yourself.

Cultural/society/religious expectations-

Belief- “I have to follow the rules and get things just right or else I will be rejected.”

Hope for change-

Belief- “Change will happen eventually. I just need to keep trying, working hard, and it will eventually change.” Someone is so hopeful for change that they ignore signs that their reality is not going to lead them to change unless they make different choices.

An example of this might be:

● When you are asked where you want to go for dinner, you don’t speak up about where you want to go for fear of conflict and not pleasing everyone else.

● You want another job, but when you think about doing something else, you are afraid that you don’t have what it takes and that you aren’t “worthy of doing something else”.

● You are in a long distance relationship. You’re trying to make this relationship work. Because of the hope that you have held, you keep trying and pushing forward saying, “change will eventually happen”, even though it does not seem to be working.

● You are a stay at home mom and you want to go back to work. Your mom always stayed at home and you are fighting internally with yourself because you feel like “you have to follow the rules” regarding the expectation that was set for you.

There are endless examples that I could name that would highlight in big and small ways in which we can often pretend with ourselves, and with others. One common denominator is when we are not in tune with our own emotions, thoughts, wants, and desires.

In order to stop pretending, start getting unstuck, and living the life that you want is to:

Be Honest with yourself
Increase self-awareness. You can do this by checking in with yourself daily and creating a connection to your mind, body, emotions.
Learn to identify what these wants, needs, and desires are. If you are a person of faith, use your faith to help give you a foundation for learning what you want, need and desire.
Know that you are worthwhile to have wants, needs, and desires.
Face and come to accept the facts in front of you rather than what you hope it will be, or you think it should be.
Make an agreement with yourself that you will be committed to seeing reality. Do this by looking at the facts and realizing you can only change you, and not others or the circumstances around you.
Share your emotions, wants, needs and desires honestly with others who you trust.
Make decisions that align your values, wants, needs, and desires.

Once you are able to begin living in a pattern of honesty with yourself and others, you will begin to notice that you will have a clearer picture as to what choices you need to make in order to get unstuck from moving forward. To sum up, the very outside force that you were waiting for, actually started with you. Getting really honest with yourself and others, facing your own discomfort, and taking steps of courage to walk the path of discomfort is the very thing that will send your body in motion towards finding the fulfillment in yourself and relationships that you are looking for. Your path in life will not be fully revealed to you at one time. But, trust that you will have clarity to take the next best step in front of you. For those of faith, trust that your faith, plus your choices, will lead you to the change you are needing. Change first begins with your decision to choose.

The mental health therapists at our office offer counseling for a variety of issues including trauma using EMDR, depression, anxiety, grief, and couples counseling. We work with kids, teens, adults, and couples. We also offer online counseling services which can be great for people with busy schedules or for people who live in parts of Pennsylvania with limited counseling options. You can check out our website to see the full list of counseling services that we offer. Or, Schedule An Appointment here.

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Stop Pretending: How to Get Unstuck And Move Forward